Woman Decides To Stop Living In Jungle, Eating Shit And Generally Being Humiliated

In more snappy tabloidese, Jordan Quits. Or as I gather from looking at the headlines while queueing in the supermarket, Jordan quit a day or two ago and now we've moved on to "Exclusive : The Real Reason Jordan Quit". While I haven't read the tabloids in question [1], and so the real reason might actually match the real real reason (see my title), I suspect it probably doesn't.

While reality TV doesn't normally feature in my relaxing downtime schedule, I did happen to catch some of the programme at the weekend. And what I didn't realize is that each week you the public get to vote on which particular victim, sorry I mean celebrity, gets to be demeaned in a cruel and vindictive manner. And in this particular series, Jordan has been picked something like six times in a row.

Does this remind you of anything ? Let's all pick on the weakest link repeatedly, make them eat bugs and stuff, until they break, then we all laugh ? Victims putting up with it because any attention is better than being ignored ? Two class clowns adding their own hilarious commentary and the passive majority sucking it all in because they have nothing better to do, and it feels good that it's not them everyone's pointing and laughing at ? But it's just a bit of fun sir. Yes, this entire country is 12 years old. Or in prison. I've never been in prison so I can't be entirely sure but I went to school and it sounds much the same [2]. This is a sick and rotten culture. Sick and rotten to the core.

PS While I'm here, I saw a back page headline "Wenger In Foul-Mouthed Rant At Theo". Or in other words, Football Manager Swears At Player. Slow news day ?

[1] In the interests of research, I probably should buy The Sun or The Mail one day and read it cover to cover. Just to see how ill it makes me feel.

[2] IIRC, Stephen Fry said that prison was much the same as public school, except the food was better.

Listening

There was an interesting example of my point below in "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" on the last episode of 2 Months 2 Million. Here's a link, it's right at the end (10:00)

Basically someone suggests that Brian "Flawless Victory" [1] Roberts actually lets them finish what they're saying before interjecting with his own social analysis. Roberts replies "It's not my fault that these people can't talk and listen at the same time. That's standard for people of my ilk".

Sadly, it probably is. Yes, one can talk and listen at the same time ; if one is simply stating or re-stating one's own opinion rather than actually responding to what the other person says. And even if you're not actually responding, it's polite to make it look as though you are. However, when your typical response to something you don't agree with is to stick your tongue out and shout "UNH UNH UNH UNH", as is the case here, maybe that wouldn't work anyway.

If you haven't seen this series, it's a bit of an eye-opener. Three of the guys (Ansky being the exception IMO) come across as more and more unlikeable with each episode. I know TV documentaries can distort (and will whenever they can) but that's the risk you take when you sign up for one. If that's the balla lifestyle, you're welcome to it.

[1] I know, sigh.

Golf Blog

Obviously I don't have enough blogs. So, golf posts will be going here :

A Corrective Against Sinful Pride.

If you don't like golf, don't bother. Frankly even if you do, it's just me venting.

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

Michael : We even finish each other's -
Lindsey : - sandwiches !

I picked up Don't Sweat The Small Stuff a couple of days ago. It's really good, highly recommended. I might not follow every single tip (getting up at 4am may well help you to find some quiet time if you have a family and a job but it hardly seems necessary for me), but there's some really good advice in there. Interestingly, tip number 47, "Argue For Your Limitations And They're Yours", is exactly what I'm trying to say in the post below, but expressed much better.

The one that really made me start though was "Breathe Before You Speak", or to explain further, let the other person finish what they're saying before you answer. This is a really bad habit that I have had pretty much forever. I jump in on top of people to either finish their sentences or say what I want to say ASAP, especially in groups of more than 2 people. I even do this on the phone. I know why I have it too. When I was growing up, at the kitchen table or wherever, if you so much as let the other person finish their question, never mind pause to think of the answer, someone else would answer it for you. So, I apologise to everyone I've done this to (and it's pretty much everyone I've ever interacted with) and I'll try not to do it in future. If conversations keep fading into embarrassing silences then I'll reconsider, but I doubt they will.

The Power Of Negative Thinking

I've been meaning to make some golf-related posts so here's a good place to start. I've been practising a lot lately and today I felt ready to burn the course up. First two holes, par par, today's the day ! Now, there was a competition on and the course was unusually busy with people who had waited for all the comp players to tee off. So when I was on the second green, the guy teeing off on the third, who looked vaguely familiar, suggested that I play through. I said there wasn't really any point because there were two foursomes right in front of us but we could play together if he liked. OK, he would wait for me on the 4th.

Third hole, par 3, I hit to the edge of the green and it bounced sideways off the bank and I had to hack out for a five. OK, no problem, unlucky. Then I caught up with the guy and I suddenly realised he was the guy I had referenced in a Facebook update about being happy to play with other people if they didn't constantly talk about negative things ...

Before we were half way up the 4th he was telling me "and one of my other problems is I slice the ball a lot ..." . I held it together, more or less, till the 7th where I managed to 4-putt for a 10. As the third putt rolled 5 feet past the hole the guy was laughing. I stress, not in a malicious way. Just sort of "ha ha, funny old game eh, ha ha". I honestly could have wrapped the club right round his neck. I held it together to play 8 and 9 in one over because he was promising to stop after 9 and then I might get some peace. No such luck though, and after that I played the worst back 9 ever, even after I had made an excuse on the 13th of "having to play these quickly" and left him behind. Which was actually a half truth because it had taken us 2 1/2 hours to play 12 holes, with his insistence on playing two more shots from the same spot every time he shanked one, and going off looking for them all in the bushes. The foursomes actually left us behind.

Now, that sounds like a lot of moaning and of course a good player would tune all this out, but I'm not a good player, I'm still learning (if you ever stop that is) and by the 12th I was on super life tilt listening to this guy. I'm a big fan of Dr Bob, can't recommend him highly enough. And he's a big fan of positive thoughts and words on the golf course. And in life IMO. Now, it's a fine line, you have to be realistic, you don't swagger up to every tee thinking "I'm going to birdie this hole for sure". But you try to put negative thoughts to one side. You play a bad shot, let it go, play the next one. There's a hazard in front of you, just put it out of your mind and swing cleanly through the ball. My golf partner today seemed to go out of his way, at every opportunity, to stress how difficult a hole was, how much he's struggling with a particular shot, even the odd positive thing like when he played a hole well is followed by "I'll never do that again !".

It just seems endemic in our society. There are so many people who seem to think it's impolite to talk about being good at something. Even to be good at something. More than that, that it's impolite not to constantly demean your own ability and success. The main reason I don't play live poker on a regular basis is the negativity of the people you have to play with. Same with watching football. Everyone wants to vent their anger and frustration on people around them, and indeed themselves, instead of actually working to improve themselves and become better at what they're doing. I'm starting to ramble now but if you had told me, at 20 years old, that I could become a professional poker player it would have been like telling me I could be an astronaut. But because I came across the game and loved playing so much I put so much time and effort into improving at the game that, bit by bit, I became better than I ever would have thought possible. The same is starting to happen with golf, I mean lol obviously I'm not going pro and never will, but just through constant practice and thought I am already better than I thought I could ever be.

You might be surprised what you can do if you put your mind to it, that's the bottom line. But I guarantee you that if you constantly run yourself down, and listen to people around you who want to bring everyone else down to their level [1], it won't happen.

[1] I should stress that doesn't apply to the golfer today, there was no malice in him whatsoever, he had just, in that English way, taken being self-effacing to a ridiculous extreme.

Room With A View

So I arrived yesterday with the minimum of fuss. It is a cast iron law that you will forget something you meant to bring, and in this case it was the Tarantino DVD Box Set that I was looking forward to catching up on in my downtime. Oh well. If I had forgotten the Silk Cut for a beleagured WSOP-er on a three week tour of duty already, I myself would probably have been doused in petrol and had my ear cut off, so it could have been worse.

Speaking of films (smooth), I almost thought there was going to be a hold-up with the flight. If I may digress for a moment, I've often found that my favourite comic writers, for example Douglas Adams and Robert Rankin, also have the power to chill you to the bone at times if they so wish. One scene from Hitch-hikers that has always stuck with me is where Arthur Dent comes across a spaceship, covered in dust in an abandoned hangar, but still apparently active. It transpires that the passengers are being held pending the delivery of lemon-soaked paper napkins. And have been for 900 years. Every 6 months the robot flight attendants re-animate everyone to inform them that there will still be a short delay until civilisation is rebuilt and LSPNs are once again available, but until then thank you for your patience.

So I feared a similar scenario when the pilot suddenly, and quite angrily, announced that the entertainment system was broken and that it was COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE to expect people to have to put up with all the peace and quiet and so on. I mean in years gone by, people did manage to struggle through a transatlantic flight without being able to watch Piers Morgan interview Sharon Osbourne, and that was when planes were powered by rubber bands and steam so the flights took 3 weeks, IIRC.

Soon enough this COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE situation was partially resolved in that, praise be to the new world of technology, we were able to watch some films in sequence, rather than being able to choose our own like you could with, say, a £40 portable DVD player. And so the program was first of all Confessions Of A Shopaholic, then a film starring Jennifer Aniston, and then a film starring Julia Roberts. Something for everyone there. Despite this ALMOST COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE lack of entertainment, I think that my natural aptitude for doing nothing for hours on end has been further honed by on-and-off meditation in the last 6 months and so I breezed it anyway. Ship it.

On to the Venetian and my balla suite. However, I'm beginning to realise that The Way Of The Balla may not be for me. My Dad will be pleased to hear this - I think that some parsimonious Yorkshire blood yet runs through my veins and so even in my best attempts to achieve balla excess, there's always a part of me asking "How much ?". The suite is beautiful. And absolutely huge. It's bigger than my flat, with the further comparison point that it is not half full of junk. So I'm bouncing around in here like an electron in sub-atomic space (one for the crowd there). More importantly though, a serious Fawlty Towers situation arose in that my "Strip View" appeared to have a serious, key some would say, failing - I couldn't see the Strip.

I went back down to the lobby to make sort of gently probing English style complaints, as we do. A little later on during a very pleasant meal with Keith, Katherine, Jake and Vicky, it transpired that Vicky and I think very similarly on this issue. There are few problems in Vegas that a carefully folded $20 can't smooth over. However, we both have this reserved (or hung-up depending on where you are from) English fear that someone will rise up to their full height and say "Are you trying to bribe me" in a voice that can be heard half way to Sam's Town, even though this could only happen in Vegas about once every five years when a delirious service employee has been out in the sun too long. And so when reception told me that it was a Strip view sir, look let me draw it for you on the back of this cigarette packet, I meekly accepted in my jet-lagged state and assumed that probably if you squint from an acute angle you can see 10 feet of the strip over in that corner or something.

Fortunately for me, after some small amount of sleep, I regained my faculties and reasoned that if a room is advertised as a Strip view, the over/under on Strip hotels that you can see from it would be something like 3.5-4.0, and that buyers would be calling in the stewards if the make up was actually, as it was from my room, zero. And so, on consulting a more competent receptionist this morning, she immediately said "oh no, it wouldn't do, seeing as it's facing in completely the opposite direction". So she has organised me a transfer to another room that is more stripviewtastic and, while I was there, a fair bit smaller. So much smaller that I am no longer paying an extra $150/night for basically a room-and-a-half-ful of air.

So much for my balla credentials, and so much for the tipping culture as well. Because when I checked in yesterday I, assuming everything was in order, tipped the (less competent) receptionist $5 (mostly because I had made her endorse 11 travellers cheques to be fair). This morning I had to think I'm damned if I'm tipping you for fixing something that should have never happened in the first place, irrespective of the fact that you're actually doing a much better job than the person I did tip. Beat !

Cost Effective Celebrity Endorsement

Obviously I'm not exposed to advertising all that much now, and hooray for that. However, I do like to watch the 6-max TV donkaments on the Internet playback, mostly so I can laugh at old nits who everyone thinks are great raise/folding 10BB stacks. Channel 5 have started inserting advertisements in the middle of these now which is kind of annoying.

Nowadays, as I noticed during my spell in an apartment while my kitchen was in bits, it appears to be illegal to advertise anything except car insurance on TV. So I'm watching this car insurance ad and Stephen Fry is doing the voiceover. Wow, I think, they're splashing out. Hang on, that's Paul Merton as well. OR IS IT ?

On closer listening though, it doesn't sound quite right. I'm almost certain that this is someone, possibly two people, impersonating Stephen Fry and Paul Merton. And now it hits me, what a genius idea this is. They're not saying it's Stephen Fry and Paul Merton. So how can they get done for it ? They save on the presumably 6 figure sums these guys can rake in for half an hour's voiceover work these days, and most people think it is Fry and Merton, even subconsciously, and who knows how it all works anyway. Do you really pick product A over product B based on which popular actor is reading the script ? Apparently people do though.

And just in case my ears are deceiving me and that was Stephen Fry and Paul Merton, then that's my idea, I own it. Get people to impersonate celebs on your voiceovers for £500 and pocket the difference. You can send me 10% for the idea.